Have you ever thought so hard you couldn't think. Like if you tried to put words to paper at that moment you wouldn't know what to say.
After an argument I feel a sense of blame, its all my fault, if I would not have said or did this; this wouldn't have happened, and it goes on and on and on. Then I get an urge to stand up for myself and say "no this is how I feel and it is not my fault". But that urge does not last long... its like that breathe I try to take.... it doesn't last long. And again they win. He wins, the thoughts win, the depression wins, all the crap wins.
What can I do to change all of this?! Will I ever get that answer?
This is one of those times that I am thinking so hard I can't think... I dont know what to write.
Tuesday, December 17, 2024
Monday, October 26, 2020
Just BREATHE
"Just breathe". Thats what they all say like its easy. I can't breathe, I can't think, I feel like I am hardly living. Just when I thought it was just anxiety and panic that I had I realized I have some pretty deep depression to. Thoughts of things I could have done better. Thoughts of the damage I have already caused by not being strong by not being weak, by simply not being me. These thoughts that never end, they are taking over my ability to breathe and filling me with so much hate and so much fear.
Just the thought of who I have become drives me crazy! Makes me sick, gives me anxiety and makes me fear the future for myself and my poor children. They see me so angry, so worried, so scared to do the most simple things. They see my weakness, they have it too and it frustrates me. The one thing I always told myself I would do... PROTECT them and I am doing everything but.
My mind is screaming for that peace and quiet again even if its for 5 minutes. It does not seem possible.
I am worst than she ever was. She was patient and kind at times at least and masked that horrible person she was with drugs of some kind. Im not teaching my children the morals and values that they need to treat others nicely because I am so frustrated and angry with what is going on in my mind I have no patience to teach them anything. While writing this I feel very sick, like I could puke. I am simply so SICK of this feeling; please just 5 minutes of peace.
Just breathe.... that is what the body is made to do; so why cant I do it?
Then I get a rush of strength the ability to be happy, be patient, smile and teach my kids happiness and strength but that goes away quickly. And again I can't breathe. But for that moment I am grateful.
As the days go on I am just getting worst and worst. Before I felt like I at least had a break in between times of feeling frustration and anger and impatience; anxiousness, anger, depression and now I feel like its pretty set in. It is deep now and almost like a routine. A very hard routine that I am not able to escape.
Just breathe.... and you may feel better. Oh how I wish it was that easy.
Guilt Guilt and more Guilt for not breathing.
If I would have just taken a deep breath instead of yelling or if I would have taken a deep breath instead of being so anxious. If I could have just thought about breathing before reacting..... If just breathing didn't scare me so much maybe I wouldn't be so anxious to do it.
As the days go on I am just getting worst and worst. Before I felt like I at least had a break in between times of feeling frustration and anger and impatience; anxiousness, anger, depression and now I feel like its pretty set in. It is deep now and almost like a routine. A very hard routine that I am not able to escape.
Just breathe.... and you may feel better. Oh how I wish it was that easy.
Guilt Guilt and more Guilt for not breathing.
If I would have just taken a deep breath instead of yelling or if I would have taken a deep breath instead of being so anxious. If I could have just thought about breathing before reacting..... If just breathing didn't scare me so much maybe I wouldn't be so anxious to do it.
JUST BREATHE.
First Ocean
The amount of water that exists in this place is incredible. It makes me feel so small. It’s loud and blocks out lots of noise. It is intimidating yet so peaceful. The constant wind cold but seems like it’s right where it needs to be. I’m having such troubles thinking. Think I lost my mind; Somewhere in the ocean would be nice. Helps me take deep breathes. And yet somehow I still miss my chaotic home. How can I be depressed in a place like this?
Sunday, January 27, 2019
A trip to the bank
Went to the bank today, husband sat outside with the kids in the car; asked him if he was coming in? He said "no". So as my mind raced on how I was going to make it into that building alone I put one foot in front of the other and I went in there alone. Once I got in the waiting line I started having anxiety, the sound changed in the room, I instantly felt the need to use the restroom, heart started beating a little faster, started to tell myself that I needed to leave and just go get them out of the car. But I stood my ground, felt like I was going to pass out with every inch closer to the desk as if I was about to commit a crime; while silently I am suffering with the thought of passing out in front of everyone. Wondering if they will be able to save me if I do. Look to my left and I see a manager, It eases my mind a little but not much as I loose site of her too. Everyones conversations become louder in my ears, I can hear everyone but separately I hear them talking. While no one knows but I am trying to focus on a conversation to ease my worried mind. My worry about what I am not even sure.
Finally I get up to the desk, shaking terribly, again looking like I am nervous because I am but not about what they might be thinking. After about 5 minutes I leave and get back into the car with a massive headache. A situation I don't want to go through again. Another time I tried and I failed. To do just the simplest thing. What was I afraid of?
Passing out
no one being there to help me if I did
The feeling of not being able to breathe.
The thought of death and not seeing or hearing anything that I was at that very moment.
The fact that I had to go to the bathroom and there wasn't one.
The thought of telling my husband how ridiculous I was in the bank
The thought that I might have to go get them all to finish a simple transaction at the bank.
Your right I made it through; but I made it now even more scared to go back again.
Finally I get up to the desk, shaking terribly, again looking like I am nervous because I am but not about what they might be thinking. After about 5 minutes I leave and get back into the car with a massive headache. A situation I don't want to go through again. Another time I tried and I failed. To do just the simplest thing. What was I afraid of?
Passing out
no one being there to help me if I did
The feeling of not being able to breathe.
The thought of death and not seeing or hearing anything that I was at that very moment.
The fact that I had to go to the bathroom and there wasn't one.
The thought of telling my husband how ridiculous I was in the bank
The thought that I might have to go get them all to finish a simple transaction at the bank.
Your right I made it through; but I made it now even more scared to go back again.
Sunday, December 30, 2018
My brain puking all over the place
I want to cry, I want to run, I want to leave, I want to stay, I want comfort, I want to be left alone, I want nothing and I want everything. So much of me wants to be independent again, yet I don't want to be alone at all; ever. Why can't the thoughts just stop? Why do I always have to be thinking? Why so much guilt? Why so many questions? Why sometimes can I not think?
I am not who I used to be and it angers me.
There once was a person with so much inner strength, no inner noise, no health thoughts, just living life. This person who could overcome the most horrible things a person could go through without even thinking. I left alone without thinking, I ran miles without thinking, I enjoyed life without thinking. That person was not bipolar, that person was very much happy no matter the obstacles. I worked and while I hated being away from my daughter I didn't worry much and I lived. I lived a "normal" life. I was determined and I graduated, I was determined and got degrees in college. I was determined to beat all the bad I had been through. I was determined to be the one who beat all odds. And I did. Without even thinking. That person was so beautiful and confident. Hardly ever cried. Didn't feel guilt.
That person no longer exists.
This person worries about everything, this person is not independent, this person can't work, this person has no drive, this person is not being a good role model for her daughters. This person is not strong. This person is very weak. This person is happy, then sad, happy, then very mad, happy, yet so irritated and half the time I can't figure out why. My brain tells me why but I argue those points a lot! This person doesn't stick up for herself anymore. This person is no longer determined to beat all the odds. This person cleans ALOT, organizes ALOT, and needs things in order and in schedule. This person feels sick physically, this person isn't ok. This person thinks the worst of herself. Even if something isn't my fault I let it be my fault or I feel its my fault. This person feels like a failure to her family. This person feels buried. So stuck in these thoughts. These horrible thoughts eating away at my heart, my brain, my body. This person doesn't even feel like hanging out with people. I used to love people, friends, and getting out and doing things. Now it just scares me and irritates me. I can't stay on track. I derail almost daily.
I see myself; I even look ill.
My kids see it, he sees it, they dislike me for this person I have become. And I dislike me for this person I have and am becoming. My oldest is suffering because I can't show her how to be that person I once was. That person that was tough, didn't worry, and pushed through every obstacle. Show her how to enjoy life without needing constant attention or reassurance. Teach her how to associate with other people without being angry or sad. Im 27 years old and don't want to waste my life like this. My husband hates me deep down, he won't admit it but there are things he says that points to him hating this person I have become. But who would blame him. I hate me to right now. He points out that I am not the person I used to be; and I want to cry I want to say I know but who wants to admit that someone else is right about your faults. NO ONE. It doesn't feel good. He points out that I admit to controlling things and he's right I do but it doesn't feel good, I don't want to control things I don't want to think about those things all the time. I want to be dug out of this hole. But there is no shovel to do so right now. Not only have I changed myself, my husband has changed, my oldest daughter has changed. even my two little daughters seem angry a majority of the time. And guess who feels guilty? ME.
I am not who I used to be and it angers me.
There once was a person with so much inner strength, no inner noise, no health thoughts, just living life. This person who could overcome the most horrible things a person could go through without even thinking. I left alone without thinking, I ran miles without thinking, I enjoyed life without thinking. That person was not bipolar, that person was very much happy no matter the obstacles. I worked and while I hated being away from my daughter I didn't worry much and I lived. I lived a "normal" life. I was determined and I graduated, I was determined and got degrees in college. I was determined to beat all the bad I had been through. I was determined to be the one who beat all odds. And I did. Without even thinking. That person was so beautiful and confident. Hardly ever cried. Didn't feel guilt.
That person no longer exists.
This person worries about everything, this person is not independent, this person can't work, this person has no drive, this person is not being a good role model for her daughters. This person is not strong. This person is very weak. This person is happy, then sad, happy, then very mad, happy, yet so irritated and half the time I can't figure out why. My brain tells me why but I argue those points a lot! This person doesn't stick up for herself anymore. This person is no longer determined to beat all the odds. This person cleans ALOT, organizes ALOT, and needs things in order and in schedule. This person feels sick physically, this person isn't ok. This person thinks the worst of herself. Even if something isn't my fault I let it be my fault or I feel its my fault. This person feels like a failure to her family. This person feels buried. So stuck in these thoughts. These horrible thoughts eating away at my heart, my brain, my body. This person doesn't even feel like hanging out with people. I used to love people, friends, and getting out and doing things. Now it just scares me and irritates me. I can't stay on track. I derail almost daily.
I see myself; I even look ill.
My kids see it, he sees it, they dislike me for this person I have become. And I dislike me for this person I have and am becoming. My oldest is suffering because I can't show her how to be that person I once was. That person that was tough, didn't worry, and pushed through every obstacle. Show her how to enjoy life without needing constant attention or reassurance. Teach her how to associate with other people without being angry or sad. Im 27 years old and don't want to waste my life like this. My husband hates me deep down, he won't admit it but there are things he says that points to him hating this person I have become. But who would blame him. I hate me to right now. He points out that I am not the person I used to be; and I want to cry I want to say I know but who wants to admit that someone else is right about your faults. NO ONE. It doesn't feel good. He points out that I admit to controlling things and he's right I do but it doesn't feel good, I don't want to control things I don't want to think about those things all the time. I want to be dug out of this hole. But there is no shovel to do so right now. Not only have I changed myself, my husband has changed, my oldest daughter has changed. even my two little daughters seem angry a majority of the time. And guess who feels guilty? ME.
Thursday, October 4, 2018
"Live everyday as if it is your last"
So many times I have heard the saying, "Live everyday as if it is your last". So many days I have tried to live by that motto but man I would say that is one of the hardest things to accomplish. So many things we would love to do if today was our last day on earth right? However; lately that is the easiest thing I have ever done and most days I can't live my life any other way.
Panic and anxiety has taken over my life; so everyday feels like my last. Currently I am living as if everyday is my last and it is driving me insane! Feeling like you are going to die everyday, feeling like you have some medical condition that is just going to kill you. Feeling like there is something wrong with your body, your heart, your brain, there has got to be something wrong and this might just be your last day. Yes, this is how I feel everyday. Without my children keeping me as busy as possible I am not sure I would function but without my children I am not sure I would have ever got this bad. No I am not saying it is there fault I am simply saying I couldn't imagine not being here for them. Missing the "Good Morning Mommy" would absolutely crush me. Becoming a mom was the BEST and WORST thing for me. I have three beautiful and amazing daughters in my life though so you can imagine I am living this life very silently and silently is the real killer. So many people suffer with this I know... and honestly I would not wish it upon anyone.
4 years of trying to figure out what the heck happened. Why have I become this person who just can't stop worrying and feels like there is something wrong with me? Is there something wrong with me? Am I just freaking out? Out of 30 days I have 3 maybe that I feel on top of the world, the rest are full of thoughts on if I am going to be ok and all my symptoms throughout the day. The worry that maybe those doctors missed something or they are not checking everything they should be. SCREAMING OUT please someone listen to me and how I am feeling. But instead being told your 27 your fine. Explain to me how you know this? Why do you feel this way? Because I am 27? That doesn't make sense to me.
The reason the depression comes in is because I want to go back to running 3 miles a day and feeling good afterward. I want to go back to wanting to go for runs, walks with my children not being afraid that something might happen to me while I do these things. The fear that I won't be able to deal with something bad that happens within my family. The fear that I may not be able to defend my family because I am to busy panicking and on the verge of passing out.
Is my mind so powerful that I have sprung all these crazy symptoms on myself? Weakness, heart palpitations, depression, racing heart, hands going numb, feeling like I am going to pass out, getting dizzy often, having vertigo almost everyday; THERE IS JUST NO WAY! This is just a glimpse of what it feels like to live inside the mind of an anxious person.
Panic and anxiety has taken over my life; so everyday feels like my last. Currently I am living as if everyday is my last and it is driving me insane! Feeling like you are going to die everyday, feeling like you have some medical condition that is just going to kill you. Feeling like there is something wrong with your body, your heart, your brain, there has got to be something wrong and this might just be your last day. Yes, this is how I feel everyday. Without my children keeping me as busy as possible I am not sure I would function but without my children I am not sure I would have ever got this bad. No I am not saying it is there fault I am simply saying I couldn't imagine not being here for them. Missing the "Good Morning Mommy" would absolutely crush me. Becoming a mom was the BEST and WORST thing for me. I have three beautiful and amazing daughters in my life though so you can imagine I am living this life very silently and silently is the real killer. So many people suffer with this I know... and honestly I would not wish it upon anyone.
4 years of trying to figure out what the heck happened. Why have I become this person who just can't stop worrying and feels like there is something wrong with me? Is there something wrong with me? Am I just freaking out? Out of 30 days I have 3 maybe that I feel on top of the world, the rest are full of thoughts on if I am going to be ok and all my symptoms throughout the day. The worry that maybe those doctors missed something or they are not checking everything they should be. SCREAMING OUT please someone listen to me and how I am feeling. But instead being told your 27 your fine. Explain to me how you know this? Why do you feel this way? Because I am 27? That doesn't make sense to me.
The reason the depression comes in is because I want to go back to running 3 miles a day and feeling good afterward. I want to go back to wanting to go for runs, walks with my children not being afraid that something might happen to me while I do these things. The fear that I won't be able to deal with something bad that happens within my family. The fear that I may not be able to defend my family because I am to busy panicking and on the verge of passing out.
Is my mind so powerful that I have sprung all these crazy symptoms on myself? Weakness, heart palpitations, depression, racing heart, hands going numb, feeling like I am going to pass out, getting dizzy often, having vertigo almost everyday; THERE IS JUST NO WAY! This is just a glimpse of what it feels like to live inside the mind of an anxious person.
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