"Live everyday as if it is your last"

So many times I have heard the saying, "Live everyday as if it is your last". So many days I have tried to live by that motto but man I would say that is one of the hardest things to accomplish. So many things we would love to do if today was our last day on earth right? However; lately that is the easiest thing I have ever done and most days I can't live my life any other way.

Panic and anxiety has taken over my life; so everyday feels like my last. Currently I am living as if everyday is my last and it is driving me insane! Feeling like you are going to die everyday, feeling like you have some medical condition that is just going to kill you. Feeling like there is something wrong with your body, your heart, your brain, there has got to be something wrong and this might just  be your last day. Yes, this is how I feel everyday. Without my children keeping me as busy as possible I am not sure I would function but without my children I am not sure I would have ever got this bad. No I am not saying it is there fault I am simply saying I couldn't imagine not being here for them. Missing the "Good Morning Mommy" would absolutely crush me. Becoming a mom was the BEST and WORST thing for me. I have three beautiful and amazing daughters in my life though so you can imagine I am living this life very silently and silently is the real killer. So many people suffer with this I know... and honestly I would not wish it upon anyone.

4 years of trying to figure out what the heck happened. Why have I become this person who just can't stop worrying and feels like there is something wrong with me? Is there something wrong with me? Am I just freaking out? Out of 30 days I have 3 maybe that I feel on top of the world, the rest are full of thoughts on if I am going to be ok and all my symptoms throughout the day. The worry that maybe those doctors missed something or they are not checking everything they should be. SCREAMING OUT please someone listen to me and how I am feeling. But instead being told your 27 your fine. Explain to me how you know this? Why do you feel this way? Because I am 27? That doesn't make sense to me.

The reason the depression comes in is because I want to go back to running 3 miles a day and feeling good afterward. I want to go back to wanting to go for runs, walks with my children not being afraid that something might happen to me while I do these things. The fear that I won't be able to deal with something bad that happens within my family. The fear that I may not be able to defend my family because I am to busy panicking and on the verge of passing out.

Is my mind so powerful that I have sprung all these crazy symptoms on myself? Weakness, heart palpitations, depression, racing heart, hands going numb, feeling like I am going to pass out, getting dizzy often, having vertigo almost everyday; THERE IS JUST NO WAY! This is just a glimpse of what it feels like to live inside the mind of an anxious person.