I want to cry, I want to run, I want to leave, I want to stay, I want comfort, I want to be left alone, I want nothing and I want everything. So much of me wants to be independent again, yet I don't want to be alone at all; ever. Why can't the thoughts just stop? Why do I always have to be thinking? Why so much guilt? Why so many questions? Why sometimes can I not think?
I am not who I used to be and it angers me.
There once was a person with so much inner strength, no inner noise, no health thoughts, just living life. This person who could overcome the most horrible things a person could go through without even thinking. I left alone without thinking, I ran miles without thinking, I enjoyed life without thinking. That person was not bipolar, that person was very much happy no matter the obstacles. I worked and while I hated being away from my daughter I didn't worry much and I lived. I lived a "normal" life. I was determined and I graduated, I was determined and got degrees in college. I was determined to beat all the bad I had been through. I was determined to be the one who beat all odds. And I did. Without even thinking. That person was so beautiful and confident. Hardly ever cried. Didn't feel guilt.
That person no longer exists.
This person worries about everything, this person is not independent, this person can't work, this person has no drive, this person is not being a good role model for her daughters. This person is not strong. This person is very weak. This person is happy, then sad, happy, then very mad, happy, yet so irritated and half the time I can't figure out why. My brain tells me why but I argue those points a lot! This person doesn't stick up for herself anymore. This person is no longer determined to beat all the odds. This person cleans ALOT, organizes ALOT, and needs things in order and in schedule. This person feels sick physically, this person isn't ok. This person thinks the worst of herself. Even if something isn't my fault I let it be my fault or I feel its my fault. This person feels like a failure to her family. This person feels buried. So stuck in these thoughts. These horrible thoughts eating away at my heart, my brain, my body. This person doesn't even feel like hanging out with people. I used to love people, friends, and getting out and doing things. Now it just scares me and irritates me. I can't stay on track. I derail almost daily.
I see myself; I even look ill.
My kids see it, he sees it, they dislike me for this person I have become. And I dislike me for this person I have and am becoming. My oldest is suffering because I can't show her how to be that person I once was. That person that was tough, didn't worry, and pushed through every obstacle. Show her how to enjoy life without needing constant attention or reassurance. Teach her how to associate with other people without being angry or sad. Im 27 years old and don't want to waste my life like this. My husband hates me deep down, he won't admit it but there are things he says that points to him hating this person I have become. But who would blame him. I hate me to right now. He points out that I am not the person I used to be; and I want to cry I want to say I know but who wants to admit that someone else is right about your faults. NO ONE. It doesn't feel good. He points out that I admit to controlling things and he's right I do but it doesn't feel good, I don't want to control things I don't want to think about those things all the time. I want to be dug out of this hole. But there is no shovel to do so right now. Not only have I changed myself, my husband has changed, my oldest daughter has changed. even my two little daughters seem angry a majority of the time. And guess who feels guilty? ME.
Sunday, December 30, 2018
Thursday, October 4, 2018
"Live everyday as if it is your last"
So many times I have heard the saying, "Live everyday as if it is your last". So many days I have tried to live by that motto but man I would say that is one of the hardest things to accomplish. So many things we would love to do if today was our last day on earth right? However; lately that is the easiest thing I have ever done and most days I can't live my life any other way.
Panic and anxiety has taken over my life; so everyday feels like my last. Currently I am living as if everyday is my last and it is driving me insane! Feeling like you are going to die everyday, feeling like you have some medical condition that is just going to kill you. Feeling like there is something wrong with your body, your heart, your brain, there has got to be something wrong and this might just be your last day. Yes, this is how I feel everyday. Without my children keeping me as busy as possible I am not sure I would function but without my children I am not sure I would have ever got this bad. No I am not saying it is there fault I am simply saying I couldn't imagine not being here for them. Missing the "Good Morning Mommy" would absolutely crush me. Becoming a mom was the BEST and WORST thing for me. I have three beautiful and amazing daughters in my life though so you can imagine I am living this life very silently and silently is the real killer. So many people suffer with this I know... and honestly I would not wish it upon anyone.
4 years of trying to figure out what the heck happened. Why have I become this person who just can't stop worrying and feels like there is something wrong with me? Is there something wrong with me? Am I just freaking out? Out of 30 days I have 3 maybe that I feel on top of the world, the rest are full of thoughts on if I am going to be ok and all my symptoms throughout the day. The worry that maybe those doctors missed something or they are not checking everything they should be. SCREAMING OUT please someone listen to me and how I am feeling. But instead being told your 27 your fine. Explain to me how you know this? Why do you feel this way? Because I am 27? That doesn't make sense to me.
The reason the depression comes in is because I want to go back to running 3 miles a day and feeling good afterward. I want to go back to wanting to go for runs, walks with my children not being afraid that something might happen to me while I do these things. The fear that I won't be able to deal with something bad that happens within my family. The fear that I may not be able to defend my family because I am to busy panicking and on the verge of passing out.
Is my mind so powerful that I have sprung all these crazy symptoms on myself? Weakness, heart palpitations, depression, racing heart, hands going numb, feeling like I am going to pass out, getting dizzy often, having vertigo almost everyday; THERE IS JUST NO WAY! This is just a glimpse of what it feels like to live inside the mind of an anxious person.
Panic and anxiety has taken over my life; so everyday feels like my last. Currently I am living as if everyday is my last and it is driving me insane! Feeling like you are going to die everyday, feeling like you have some medical condition that is just going to kill you. Feeling like there is something wrong with your body, your heart, your brain, there has got to be something wrong and this might just be your last day. Yes, this is how I feel everyday. Without my children keeping me as busy as possible I am not sure I would function but without my children I am not sure I would have ever got this bad. No I am not saying it is there fault I am simply saying I couldn't imagine not being here for them. Missing the "Good Morning Mommy" would absolutely crush me. Becoming a mom was the BEST and WORST thing for me. I have three beautiful and amazing daughters in my life though so you can imagine I am living this life very silently and silently is the real killer. So many people suffer with this I know... and honestly I would not wish it upon anyone.
4 years of trying to figure out what the heck happened. Why have I become this person who just can't stop worrying and feels like there is something wrong with me? Is there something wrong with me? Am I just freaking out? Out of 30 days I have 3 maybe that I feel on top of the world, the rest are full of thoughts on if I am going to be ok and all my symptoms throughout the day. The worry that maybe those doctors missed something or they are not checking everything they should be. SCREAMING OUT please someone listen to me and how I am feeling. But instead being told your 27 your fine. Explain to me how you know this? Why do you feel this way? Because I am 27? That doesn't make sense to me.
The reason the depression comes in is because I want to go back to running 3 miles a day and feeling good afterward. I want to go back to wanting to go for runs, walks with my children not being afraid that something might happen to me while I do these things. The fear that I won't be able to deal with something bad that happens within my family. The fear that I may not be able to defend my family because I am to busy panicking and on the verge of passing out.
Is my mind so powerful that I have sprung all these crazy symptoms on myself? Weakness, heart palpitations, depression, racing heart, hands going numb, feeling like I am going to pass out, getting dizzy often, having vertigo almost everyday; THERE IS JUST NO WAY! This is just a glimpse of what it feels like to live inside the mind of an anxious person.
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