I want to cry, I want to run, I want to leave, I want to stay, I want comfort, I want to be left alone, I want nothing and I want everything. So much of me wants to be independent again, yet I don't want to be alone at all; ever. Why can't the thoughts just stop? Why do I always have to be thinking? Why so much guilt? Why so many questions? Why sometimes can I not think?
I am not who I used to be and it angers me.
There once was a person with so much inner strength, no inner noise, no health thoughts, just living life. This person who could overcome the most horrible things a person could go through without even thinking. I left alone without thinking, I ran miles without thinking, I enjoyed life without thinking. That person was not bipolar, that person was very much happy no matter the obstacles. I worked and while I hated being away from my daughter I didn't worry much and I lived. I lived a "normal" life. I was determined and I graduated, I was determined and got degrees in college. I was determined to beat all the bad I had been through. I was determined to be the one who beat all odds. And I did. Without even thinking. That person was so beautiful and confident. Hardly ever cried. Didn't feel guilt.
That person no longer exists.
This person worries about everything, this person is not independent, this person can't work, this person has no drive, this person is not being a good role model for her daughters. This person is not strong. This person is very weak. This person is happy, then sad, happy, then very mad, happy, yet so irritated and half the time I can't figure out why. My brain tells me why but I argue those points a lot! This person doesn't stick up for herself anymore. This person is no longer determined to beat all the odds. This person cleans ALOT, organizes ALOT, and needs things in order and in schedule. This person feels sick physically, this person isn't ok. This person thinks the worst of herself. Even if something isn't my fault I let it be my fault or I feel its my fault. This person feels like a failure to her family. This person feels buried. So stuck in these thoughts. These horrible thoughts eating away at my heart, my brain, my body. This person doesn't even feel like hanging out with people. I used to love people, friends, and getting out and doing things. Now it just scares me and irritates me. I can't stay on track. I derail almost daily.
I see myself; I even look ill.
My kids see it, he sees it, they dislike me for this person I have become. And I dislike me for this person I have and am becoming. My oldest is suffering because I can't show her how to be that person I once was. That person that was tough, didn't worry, and pushed through every obstacle. Show her how to enjoy life without needing constant attention or reassurance. Teach her how to associate with other people without being angry or sad. Im 27 years old and don't want to waste my life like this. My husband hates me deep down, he won't admit it but there are things he says that points to him hating this person I have become. But who would blame him. I hate me to right now. He points out that I am not the person I used to be; and I want to cry I want to say I know but who wants to admit that someone else is right about your faults. NO ONE. It doesn't feel good. He points out that I admit to controlling things and he's right I do but it doesn't feel good, I don't want to control things I don't want to think about those things all the time. I want to be dug out of this hole. But there is no shovel to do so right now. Not only have I changed myself, my husband has changed, my oldest daughter has changed. even my two little daughters seem angry a majority of the time. And guess who feels guilty? ME.
