Just BREATHE

"Just breathe". Thats what they all say like its easy. I can't breathe, I can't think, I feel like I am hardly living. Just when I thought it was just anxiety and panic that I had I realized I have some pretty deep depression to. Thoughts of things I could have done better. Thoughts of the damage I have already caused by not being strong by not being weak, by simply not being me. These thoughts that never end, they are taking over my ability to breathe and filling me with so much hate and so much fear.

Just the thought of who I have become drives me crazy! Makes me sick, gives me anxiety and makes me fear the future for myself and my poor children. They see me so angry, so worried, so scared to do the most simple things. They see my weakness, they have it too and it frustrates me. The one thing I always told myself I would do... PROTECT them and I am doing everything but. 

My mind is screaming for that peace and quiet again even if its for 5 minutes. It does not seem possible.

I am worst than she ever was. She was patient and kind at times at least and masked that horrible person she was with drugs of some kind. Im not teaching my children the morals and values that they need to treat others nicely because I am so frustrated and angry with what is going on in my mind I have no patience to teach them anything. While writing this I feel very sick, like I could puke. I am simply so SICK of this feeling; please just 5 minutes of peace.

Just breathe.... that is what the body is made to do; so why cant I do it?

Then I get a rush of strength the ability to be happy, be patient, smile and teach my kids happiness and strength but that goes away quickly. And again I can't breathe. But for that moment I am grateful.

As the days go on I am just getting worst and worst. Before I felt like I at least had a break in between times of feeling frustration and anger and impatience; anxiousness, anger, depression and now I feel like its pretty set in. It is deep now and almost like a routine. A very hard routine that I am not able to escape.

Just breathe.... and you may feel better. Oh how I wish it was that easy.

Guilt Guilt and more Guilt for not breathing.

If I would have just taken a deep breath instead of yelling or if I would have taken a deep breath instead of being so anxious. If I could have just thought about breathing before reacting..... If just breathing didn't scare me so much maybe I wouldn't be so anxious to do it. 

JUST BREATHE.

First Ocean

 The amount of water that exists in this place is incredible. It makes me feel so small. It’s loud and blocks out lots of noise. It is intimidating yet so peaceful. The constant wind cold but seems like it’s right where it needs to be. I’m having such troubles thinking. Think I lost my mind; Somewhere in the ocean would be nice. Helps me take deep breathes. And yet somehow I still miss my chaotic home. How can I be depressed in a place like this?